


A Secret Closet

by Fjord Texblade (FixOrRideDaily)



Category: Until Dawn (Video Game)
Genre: Bisexual Female Character, F/F, Guilt, Implied Sexual Content, Lesbian Character, Mini background subplot, Secret Relationship, Sequel, cause I love her, with Ashley
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-02
Updated: 2018-10-02
Packaged: 2019-07-23 20:19:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,228
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16166261
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FixOrRideDaily/pseuds/Fjord%20Texblade
Summary: It's okay to sometimes give into your desires but is it okay to keep giving into them?





	A Secret Closet

**Author's Note:**

  * For [holeybubushka](https://archiveofourown.org/users/holeybubushka/gifts).



> This is a commissioned work. If you would like to commission me, contact me here: https://transchrishartley.tumblr.com. Hope you like it.
> 
> This is also a sequel to my smut fic "The Ladies Room." I don't think you need to read that one to get this one so if that stuff is not your cup of tea feel free to proceed anyway.

Thank God the Washington siblings could probably sleep through a nuclear bomb. Sliding out of Beth’s bed and creeping into Hannah's room barely qualified as sneaking around with all the freedom Sam was allowed in making noise. Neither of them even stirred as she made her way out of their rooms. Now with her backpack secure on her back she turns to the bathroom at the end of the hall from the two rooms.

It’s just a bathroom. A very nice bathroom but still just a bathroom. Yet with every step she takes towards the room her heart feels more and more heavy. The door grows to an intimidating size. It starts to feel unnaturally large even for a bathroom of its size. Of course this is all in her head but as she stares at it the image remains so real. She takes a deep breath and wonders how important it is she refresh herself before she goes home. Her mother is probably still asleep so it's not like she’s going to ask questions. This place feels like a hotbed of feelings she isn't ready to deal with yet.

She turns around to leave when she hears a noise from inside the room behind her. She flips back around immediately as her heart speeds up to a runner's pace. How could they be up? Which of them is up? Beth. It must be Beth. She had awoken and head into the bathroom while Sam was collecting her things from Hannah's room. She isn't sure what to do. She can't just start running down the hall. What if Beth went into the bathroom specifically to look for Sam? How would it look if Beth caught her running from the house? She isn't ready to deal with this. That's why she had been leaving.

However when the door opens, it's not either of the twins on the other side but instead Ashley. She looks terrible. Her hair is a mess and her eyes are red and puffy. She smells like puke. Looking her over Sam wonders, thinking back to the early hours, if Ashley has been in there since then. She wipes her face as she looks Sam over as well.

“Sam? Oh, am I in your way?” Ashley steps to out of the room and of to the side to let Sam in.

Sam’s shoulders sag with both sadness and relief. “No, I’m good. I was heading out actually.”

Ashley looks surprised, “Heading out? As in going home?”

“Yeah. I'm going home.” She says it quickly hoping Ashley doesn't ask for more details. After all they’re both such nosy brats.

Her eyes turn begging as she asks, “Can I come with you?”

Sam is taken aback but then looking at her it seems like Ashley hadn't had the greatest night. Not that Sam’s night was bad. It was just… a lot. Either way Sam feels too much pity to leave her behind. Slowly she feels herself nod as she says, “Sure.”

“Okay.” Ashley mirrors her own earlier relief, “I just have to get my bag.”

Ashley is in and out of Josh’s room like bullet. Once they both have everything they need to go, still in their sleep clothes, the two girls head out to Sam’s car and leave. Sam has a trundle bed that Ashley borrows to catch up on her missing sleep. Sam tries to sleep as well but the images of the night before flash through her head every time she closes her eyes so she gets up when her mother leaves for work. She decides breakfast is in order. She’s making her family's special blueberry sauce to go with her own special vegan pancakes when Ashley enters.

“That smells good,” Ashley says, looking like she just got out of the shower. Sam loves how comfortable all her friends feel in her home. It reminds her she grew up in a nice environment.

“Thanks,” she says looking back at Ashley while she puts together a plate for them each, “I did plan on sharing if you feel like your stomach can handle it.”

Ashley nods, “I feel well enough to eat I think. I should try to get something inside me anyway.”

“You sure you're talking about food?” Sam jokes, thinking some friendly ribbing with Ashley will make them both feel a little bit better. However Ashley almost collapses against the counter as if she might start to cry again. Sam feels an extra helping of guilt that she doesn’t need.

“Okay,” Sam says setting their breakfast down, “Ash, what's wrong? I’m a little concerned.”

While that is true Sam also knows helping Ashley through her troubles will put her own out of her mind until she feels ready to work through them. Ashley stares at Sam for a second before leaning her head in her hand as she says, “I did something stupid last night. Really, stupid.”

Sam bites her tongue on confessing her sin, she wants to give Ashley her full attention. “What?”

Ashley sighs, smacking her hands on her now ruby red face, “Well I was super drunk last night. Whatever that stuff was, it was strong cause I was out of it. I still remember it but I was drunk!”

Ashley is stalling but Sam doesn't mind it. Anything to distract her. She had already done wrong by Hannah the least she could do is be here for Ashley.

“And I really… I really like Chris. Like I really like him!”

Sam has a feeling she knows where this is going, “You two didn't-”

“No, we didn't have sex.” Ashley looks away. “But I certainly tried.”

“What?!”

Ashley groans, “We were laying on Josh's futon and I just sort of went for it. And by it I mean **it**!”

“Oh my god! Did you actually grab Chris’s dick?!” The pathetic whine Ashley responds with is all the affirmation Sam needs, “Well? What happened?”

“What do you think? Chris is a perfect gentleman. He told me to stop and then he went to sleep in Josh's hammock.”

Ashley buries her head further into her arms on the counter, “Josh was in the room too. I know he heard us. I’m mortified!”

Sam feels bad for Ashley. Apparently they’d both chosen to act on their feelings. Unfortunately it had only worked out for Sam. Or had it worked out for her? Sure Ashley was feeling rejected but Chris would forgive her. She was really drunk. After a few weeks of awkwardness things would go back to normal. Would the same happen with Sam and Hannah? Would the same happen for Sam and Beth?

Huh. Beth. Despite having such a major role in what happened the night before Sam had gotten up that morning thinking much more about what this meant for her and Hannah. Outside the lewd images that played over in her head she hadn't thought much about Beth. It might have been the first time since Sam fell for Beth that she had gone so long without thinking about her. But now that she is, she can't stop. The night before was something out of this world. It had been something special. It would be hard to get the image of Beth on her knees, staring into Sam’s eyes with her face between her open thighs out of her head. Or it would’ve been if Sam had any desire to get rid of it. As it stands even if she hates herself for it she wants to keep the picture on call, to lock it away. Just in case it was the only time she would have anything like it.

Sam looks at Ashley, the girl who knows everything Sam can’t tell other people. She had felt safe bearing her soul to Sam, so Sam chooses to bear her own sin back. She grabs Ashley by the shoulder to get her attention. Once she’s looking, Sam gives her own embarrassed smile, “Listen, if you think you screwed up then I have a story to tell.”

“Sure, I doubt it’s worse than me though.”

“Well you know how you almost had sex?” She tries to keep things vague. “Take out the almost and you have my night.”

“Oh my god.” It’s quiet not loud as if it’s not in the same language.

“I know.”

“With-” she pauses, “With Beth?”

“No with Hannah, I managed to turn the straightest girl in the world gay.” It comes out nastier than she means for it to. She isn’t sure if she’s more upset or embarrassed. One thing she isn’t though is sorry.

“Okay well what happened?”

“What?”

“Oh come on, Sam. You do not put something like that on the table and give a girl no details. Spill now,” Ashley says it as if that’s obvious.

Sam kind of smiles. Then it spreads into a wide smile. What would she ever do without Ashley? So Sam starts in on her story. What they did beat by beat is not important. How it felt and how it feels in that moment is what’s important. More important than even that though is the question Ashley asks the moment after Sam has finished her confession.

“Wow. So what are you going to do now?”

“I have absolutely no idea.”

* * *

Sam is already gone when Beth wakes up. She wonders if maybe the whole thing was another vivid dream but the ache in her knees is too real for that to be the case. She is only given further evidence when she heads downstairs to the kitchen, dressed and prepared for the day already, and finds Chris and Josh in deep discussion over something.

“Okay but I mean she was pretty drunk…”

“So? That doesn’t mean she wasn’t serious.”

“Hey, bozos,” Beth says as she joins them at the table grabbing a bowl for herself and the milk and cereal box they left on it, “Where’s everyone else?”

Chris shoves food into his mouth, embarrassed about something but Josh shrugs, saying, “Sam and Ash took off first thing this morning. No clue why. Well, I have one idea but I doubt you want to talk about that with us, little sister?”

Beth fumbles with the box. Josh knows?! How could Josh know?! She’s always wondered if there are cameras mounted on the walls. She’s wondered if he spies on them all. Wait- If Josh knows then does that mean-

“I can’t find her anywhere.” Beth hears their sister whine as she comes into the room, “I guess you were right about them leaving.”

“Told ya.” Josh gives Chris a look and motions towards the door. “Anyway Chris and I got our own shit to do. Enjoy your tea party ladies.” With that the two guys shove the rest of their food down their throats and exit the room. That leaves Beth alone with Hannah.

“Did you see Sam at all today?”

“No,” Beth almost snaps, “Why would I have seen her?”

Hannah jumps back, “Because you sometimes get up really early. I thought maybe you might have run into her before she left.”

“Well, I didn’t. I haven’t seen Sam since yesterday afternoon.”

“Oh.” Hannah is quiet for a moment, “Do you think she’s mad at me?

Beth sighs, trying to finish her breakfast as fast as she can, “No I don’t- I don’t think she’s mad at you. Why would she even be mad at you?”

Hannah shrugs, “I don’t know. It’s not like her to just run out on me.”

Beth rakes her brain for something to tell her sister. Truthfully she is lost in her own fears about why Sam took off. Did she regret what happened? Is she disgusted? Embarrassed? Did Beth do something wrong? The during had been fine, it was more than fine. She had thought so anyway. Though maybe Sam hadn’t. But then why had she looked the way she had when Beth gazed up into her eyes. She can’t imagine Sam didn’t enjoy herself.

“If you’re so worried then why don’t you call her or something.” Beth stands, leaving her half filled bowl not feeling hungry anymore. As she is standing she processes the advice she had given her sister and adds, “But maybe give her a few hours. Maybe even a full day. Just in case it was an emergency or something.”

“Yeah, maybe you’re right.” However Beth sees Hannah on her phone. She holds her breath as she waits to see what happens. Luckily a second later she hears her twin say, “Matt? Hey Matt, can we talk a minute?”

Beth lets out her breath as she leaves the room, pulling out her phone. Hannah is a chatter box and Matt will listen to her go on for hours. They will probably be on the phone a good long while. That gives Beth the time to contact Sam herself. It’s a little nerve wracking but she has no other choice except to ignore it. She doesn’t want to ignore it.

Beth simply texts: _‘We need to talk.’_

It’s at the very most a minute before her phone goes off to reveal the words: _‘I’ll pick you up to go someplace quiet. Give me about an hour.’_

_‘I’ll be here.’_

* * *

Sam doesn’t actually manage to get out the door soon enough to make it in an hour. She also has to drop Ashley off at home so it’s closer to two hours when she pulls up. Beth is waiting for her down at the gate instead of up at the house and Sam feels bad she waited so long outside for her. It was smart planning on her part though. Until they talked, it was better Hannah didn’t see them together. Or even see Sam coming back to the house after leaving so suddenly early that morning. She didn’t know what her excuse for doing so was yet.

“Hey,” Beth says getting into the passenger seat of Sam’s car before she’s shut off the engine. Sam continues down the road instead, still unsure where exactly their destination is.

“Hey,” Sam replies. Silence falls. Sam keeps driving toward their undetermined destination as Beth plays with her phone. They drive for a long time and Sam almost laughs at Beth’s face when they get to the point where she loses service. She can be as bad as Chris with that thing sometimes. If Beth loves only one of her worldly possessions it’s her phone. Sam’s not even sure what Beth spends all her time doing on the thing.

Just like the night before Sam realizes she can just ask. “Why are you always on your phone?”

Beth looks up, “What?”

“Your phone. You’re on it all the time. Why? What are you doing?”

Beth shrugs, “Different stuff, I guess. I use it to keep track of everything I have to do, you know my appointments and stuff. Josh’s and Hannah’s too honestly. In case they forget. I spend a lot of time on twitter and I have an app that keeps track of the topics I like to read about so I don’t have to dig for articles. Plus my music and games just like any other teenage girl, right? Oh and I check all my group chats pretty regularly.”

“What kind of group chats?” Sam asked. Beth turns away and goes quiet.

“I don’t know. Different ones.”

Apparently Beth had shared her limit for the afternoon. Once again Sam is left in the dark when it comes to Beth. She can’t tell if the other girl is being secretive with the information or if she is too embarrassed to answer. Maybe the conversation ahead of them is too daunting to focus on anymore small talk. They drive for a while until they are a ways out of the city, more up towards the mountains. Sam pulls over at a lookout and they sit in the car in total silence.

“Okay,” Sam finally says, “We both know what we have to talk about so I’m just going to start. What happened last night- I don’t normally do things like that. I know you don’t either. You and me we’re the responsible ones.”

Beth laughs, “I still can’t believe it happened.”

“Me either.” Sam laughs back. She can tell they both did it out nerves and not joy.

“Why did you do it?”

Sam is taken aback. “Do what?”

“Kiss me.”

So Sam had been the one who kissed her. At least according to Beth but she has no reason to lie about it now. Why keep secrets after what happened?

“I guess.” Sam shrugs, “Because I wanted to.”

“Oh.” Beth falls quiet.

“What about you?”

“What?”

“You kissed me too.”

“I did.” Beth also shrugs, “I guess for the same reason as you.”

Everything they say is followed by silence. It shouldn’t take this long to have a conversation. However Sam has never had such a hard time making her voice work. She turns on her side a little bit to face her companion, “It really was crazy, wasn’t it?”

“It was.”

“Do you wish we hadn’t done it?” That’s it. That’s the most important thing to Sam. What Beth thinks about it, about them. That answer will dictate everything that comes after this moment. Sam knows how she feels. She and Ashley talked a bit more before Sam took her home and went to meet up with Beth. So it’s Beth’s answer changes where this goes.

“No, I don’t,” Beth says still not looking at Sam, “What about you?”

“I don’t think what we did was wrong. No.”

“I doubt Hannah would agree with you,” Beth mumbles but Sam hears her.

“I don’t care what Hannah thinks or would think,” Sam says reaching out to touch Beth’s arm and she finally turns to look at Sam. “I want to know what you think?”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“You want to know what I think?”

“I do.”

Beth unbuckles her seat-belt faster than Sam has ever seen. She leans over to the driver’s seat and connects her mouth with Sam’s mouth. Sam responds immediately placing a hand on the side of Beth’s face. Sam clumsily undoes her own seat-belt with one hand before wrapping her arms around Beth’s waist. Beth’s hand buries in her hair and the other falls to her leg. Soon they are kissing hungrily like teenagers are prone to do when on secluded back roads. They kiss for a long time. Long enough that eventually they climb into the backseat of Sam’s car. They are already half undressed when Beth pushes Sam, who is straddling her hips, back. Then looking straight into Sam’s eyes the only thing she says is:

“Hannah can’t know.”

Sam nods then kisses her again, agreeing with no words. This is the beginning of something. What exactly is lost on them both. But Sam can feel it’s big and important. They are powerless to stop it.

* * *

"Beth” Hannah calls banging on her door, “Beth, come out here.”

“What?” she says opening her door the smallest amount then sliding out into the hall instead of letting Hannah inside. She stands up against the door holding the doorknob. “I thought you had to go to tennis practice today. With your professional trainer, Joel.”

“Jo-EL.” Hannah crosses her arms as she says it as if she is more sophisticated than Beth.

“Whatever.” Beth fights not to roll her eyes.

“Anyway I do,” she says then her face settles into worry, “But Josh was supposed to take me and he’s stoned downstairs with Ashley.”

“Oh.” Beth suddenly feels her skin chill and cover in goosebumps.

“Yeah, I don’t feel safe with him driving me. Do you think you can take me?”

Beth tries not to glance back at her door as she says, “Hannah, can’t you just drive yourself?”

“I hate driving.”

Beth sighs, Hannah is a nervous driver. She drives far too slow because she is scared and because she is driving slow other drivers get angry with her. That just scares her more and like a circle it goes on like that with no start and no end. She is probably more prone to get into an accident than Josh even though he drives like a maniac.

“I know but I’m not really up for it.” Beth grips her door handle tightly, she quickly looks down at herself in her shorts and large flannel. She’s dressed perfect for the excuse, “I’m not feeling well and I have a headache.”

“So? Just take some aspirin. Please I can’t be late again. Joel said if I keep showing up late then he’s gonna take my spot away! He’s the best trainer on the west coast. Mom and dad will be so upset if he drops me.”

Hannah is staring at her with big begging eyes. Beth meets her gaze even though it hurts her eyes to stay focused. Just looking at Hannah’s face makes Beth want to cry and confess but at the same time her pulse begins to quicken. She presses herself against the door as if it would just open on its own. She can hear her blood in her ears and her throat goes dry. There is noise coming from her room. Hannah is going to hear. It’s too loud for her not to.

“You’re going to have to call someone else, sis,” she says happy she bested Hannah’s stare. Hannah’s face falls. It’s always so hard to refuse her siblings. Beth is hardwired to take care of their needs, despite being the youngest. She can feel her face is flushed as Hannah sighs and takes a long step back.

“Okay, fine,” Hannah groans as she pulls out her phone and walks away. It’s not even fifteen seconds later Beth hears Sam’s ringtone from behind her bedroom door.

Beth wrenches the door open and hurries inside, once again only opening it enough to slip in. She looks at Sam, still in her bed and still naked. Beth locks her door as Sam fumbles with her ringing phone.

“Hey, Han, what’s up?” Sam manages to answer her phone and stop the ringing. She shifts to the far side of the bed as if being farther away from the door will hide her voice better. What the hell was Beth thinking? Who else would Hannah call next for a ride? Beth is too smart for a novice move like this. One would think after five weeks they would be better at this hidden relationship thing. Beth is now pressed to the inside of the door. It’s not needed as Hannah couldn’t get in anyway what with it being locked. Still Beth holds her breath and listens into the hall. She listens to see if Hannah will walk back over. It’s hard to tune out Sam talking with her on the phone. It makes Beth paranoid it’s coming from outside the room through Hannah’s phone and not inside.

“Uh sorry, honey, I can’t. What? Oh, uh Percy and I are going to the flea market and you know how she gets about “mommy and me time.” No, we can’t get you on the way, we’re actually already halfway there. I mean we had to stop for gas and that’s why you can’t hear her cause she’s paying inside. Sorry, love you, I gotta go, bye.”

Beth almost outwardly groans. Sam is a terrible liar. Sam sets her phone on the nightstand and falls back in relief. It does seem like Hannah bought it so there is no worry. Beth breathes her own sigh as she drops back into bed with her. Sam smiles over at her and Beth sees that she is flushed and breathing heavy. She didn’t do anything to warrant such a sign of exertion. (Not yet anyway, they’d been waiting until they were sure Hannah was gone.) Though Beth isn’t about to complain as she can also feel her heart banging against her rib-cage. She leans down to Sam’s level and they share a kiss. It’s a weird time for arousal to hit but they ride the wave of it anyway.

Beth pulls back but before she can say anything there is another round of banging on her door, “Beth, come on, Beth! Sam can’t do it either.”

“I can’t take you!” she calls deciding she isn’t going to waste her energy getting up this time.

“But I don’t know who else to ask. Please, Beth! Please, please, please!”

Beth moans and sees Sam stifle a laugh. It’s not all in joy though. Part of it is nerves. Sam will often laugh when she is uncomfortable. She still looks beautiful. At least to Beth she does. Although Sam always looks beautiful to Beth. Beth brushes hair from out of her face. She is not letting Hannah ruin this. So Beth pulls out her own phone calling to her sister, “Hang on a sec.”

Beth dials the number. It only takes one ring before he picks up. He’s as much of a bleeding heart as Sam or Beth and always right next to his phone. The conversation is less than a minute before he assures her that he’s halfway out the door. After hanging up with him she yells, “Hey sis, go wait on the porch. Chris is gonna be here in like ten minutes. He’s gonna take you.”

“Okay,” Hannah yells back her voice fading as she hurries away, “Thanks, love you, bye.”

Beth hears her run down the hall and drops her phone by Sam’s phone before she lies in bed next to her. She pulls her own clothes off and climbs under the blankets. Rather than go right back into what they were doing, Sam lays on her side, shaking her head. Her look is between confused and adoring. “Why do you do stuff like that?”

“Like what?”

Sam motions to the door with her head, “That. She could have found her own ride.”

“Yeah but it would have taken her forever and I wanted her gone. I assumed you did too.”

It doesn’t look like she believes her but she doesn’t comment on it instead saying, “I did. I mean I love her so much but if she knew I was here, if she ever saw us like this…”

She doesn’t finish the thought. Neither of them ever do. The truth is because neither of them really knows what would happen if Hannah caught them together. Maybe they are afraid of the answer more than they would admit. It marks the sixth time their secret has almost come out. Not just by Hannah, twice it was Josh, once is was Chris. Though Beth is not thrilled about it Ashley apparently knows already. That’s more than once a week so far but seeing as they see each other at least three times that it’s actually a good record.

“You’re cute when you get flustered,” Sam says touching her red face, “Every time this happens, you get all hot and red. You’re gonna suffocate from all that worrying.”

“Yeah, that’s what’s gonna suffocate me and not your thighs,” Beth teases. Sam gives her a smug look and shrugs.

“That’s more your fault than mine. With your cute face and habit of screaming so damn much.” Sam runs a hand along Beth’s shoulder. Beth moves in close to her face.

“Look who’s blushing now,” she says as she is close enough to see that her girlfriend’s skin is a bright right that almost shines. “Embarrassed?”

“Horny,” Sam answers taking Beth’s face in her hands. “How about we get back to what we were doing?”

“Okay but it looks like Josh is still gonna be in the house.” Beth has to say it between kisses as Sam pins her underneath her tiny body.

“Then I’ll just have to make sure you keep your voice down.” After that Sam kisses Beth and makes it clear she doesn’t plan to stop. Beth wouldn’t have it any other way. She runs her hands along Sam’s back. It always feels good to kiss her but in this moment it feels extra wonderful.

* * *

Hannah can talk really fast. Sometimes Sam forgets how fast but damn it is fast. It’s hard to always keep track of what she is saying. It doesn’t help Sam already has a difficult time not tuning her out when she talks about her favorite subject. That subject being Michael Munroe. Hannah talks about him a lot. Probably far too much. It might not be that bad if Sam understood what exactly was so endearing about him but really he just seemed like an average run of the mill guy to her. Smart? Debatably. Charming? Definitely. Handsome? Obviously. Mike had a lot of great qualities. The way Hannah talks about him though you would think that he was Adonis reincarnated. Maybe Sam isn’t the best person to judge as she used to be the same way about-

Sam owes it to Hannah to listen to her carry on about Mike for a bit.

“He said he would text me about it but he didn’t,” Hannah is saying while they’re painting each other’s nails in Sam’s room. “I mean I guess it's only been a day and a half but I expected an answer by now.”

“Maybe he's just been busy,” Sam says dutifully. That's what she is supposed to say when her friend brings up Mike. She isn't supposed to tell her Mike probably doesn't want to go with her to whatever event she asked him to. He will tell her about some fake event he has going on or will have made plans that conflict with them because apparently telling Hannah he isn't interested is just too damn hard.

It’s not Sam’s place to tell her how Mike feels. Or rather it's not anymore. Sam has tried to be subtle but Hannah won't hear it. She doesn't want to try being overt when she knows her friend is such a sensitive soul.

Hannah sighs. “I guess but he always seems so busy. I'm not sure how anyone manages to spend time with him. It feels like I’m the only one who can't seem to catch him at a free time.”

She is so close to the truth that Sam wants to push her over that edge. She wants to bring her there so she can see the light. It’s not her place though. At least that is what she tells herself. Maybe the truth is that she has hurt Hannah too much already to risk doing it again. Even if Hannah doesn't know about her betrayal, Sam does and that's enough.

“Anyway let's forget about me and issues with the man of my dreams,” Hannah says as Sam covers her toes in bright green polish as at the same time Hannah coats Sam’s in blue. Blue is Beth’s favorite color.

“Tell me what going on in the world of Sam,” she finishes looking down at their nails and not up at her friend. Good thing too or she would see the panic on Sam’s face at just the mention of her weekly activities. Sam takes a deep breath and forces a smile.

“You know, same stuff,” Sam says focusing more than necessary in her task, “Working over at the shelter, going to the gym a couple days a week with Matt, weekend trips with Percy, hanging out with you and Ashley.” And Beth. “Nothing really new.”

“Nothing?” Hannah asks in disbelief and disappointment. She finally looks up at Sam.

“Nothing,” Sam repeats keeping her focus down.

“Are you sure about that?” Hannah teases, “No hot or sexy boys you wanna tell me about? Maybe over at the shelter or the gym?”

“Nope.” Sam can’t look at her. The leading way she says it is killing her. She says it with an air of playful peer pressure.

“Really?” Hannah sounds disappointed again for a moment before her face brightens as if she has cracked some code, “What about a girl? You still like girls right?”

Sam sighs even as she messes up one of Hannah’s nails. She grabs a tissue nearby as she feels her face light up, “Yes Hannah, I still like girls.”

“So any, you know, uh pretty or I guess cute girls you’ve been spending time with?”

“Nope, no girls either.” Sam is rubbing her toe too hard as Hannah lets out an ‘ow.’

Hannah gives an annoyed and loud breathe before she almost begs as she asks, “Nobody?”

“Nobody.” Sam stays focused on her task and not on Hannah. Hannah leans towards her and she almost towers over Sam.

“Sam,” she says with mischief in her voice, “Are you keeping secrets from me?”

Sam’s head pops up and she looks Hannah right in the eye. Hannah has smile like she knows something she isn’t telling. Or maybe a smile that means she will break Sam’s resolve. It is a smile that she has used a thousand times in a hundred ways. A smile that could break even the strongest of men. Sam lives to please and nothing would please Hannah more in this moment than to hear all of Sam’s dirty little secrets. Secrets that she has no idea would destroy her and possibly destroy them, what they have. Neither of them really had anyone before each other. Well anyone outside their family. Two lonely girls who found each other. It’s precious to Sam. Her first and maybe only lifetime friend. She loves nothing and will never love anything the way she loves Hannah. Not even Beth.

So with a smile she hopes looks real she lies, “I’d never hide anything from you, Hannah.”

* * *

"Beth” Percy Giddings says as she opens the door. Beth almost flinches as she does. She is caught off guard. Sam’s mom is not supposed to be home.

“Oh hi, Percy,” Beth says as she walks passed Sam’s mom and into her home. Sam’s mom is quite the character to put things nicely. She welcomes them into her home as if she is always ready to entertain. In the past Sam has come home in a huff when she finds her friends over not to see her but to visit Percy instead. (Jess is the worst offender.)

“So what brings you over?” Percy asks as she ushers Beth in and onto the couch. Sam’s mom is not as aware as other moms so she trips and stumbles a bit. Sometimes it feels more like Sam is the parent and her the child. However she offers tea that looks like it was there ready for a guest. Sam has a lovely home.

“I was, you know, coming to see Sam.” Beth looks away almost embarrassed she isn’t there to see Percy.

“Hmm, alright. You have been stopping over a good amount lately,” she says as she holds but doesn’t drink her tea. She nods even though Beth hasn’t said anything. She doesn’t ask anything more after that. Beth’s reputation for silence follows her everywhere. People don’t ask her things because they usually don’t know if she will answer. Most times she doesn’t answer. Why take a risk with such a lame reward?

“Hey, Percy?” Sam calls, suddenly coming into view at the end of the hall. Beth is surprised but she shouldn’t be. She never actually asked if Sam was home. “Mom, why didn’t you tell me Beth was here?!”

“Oh I’m sorry, cherry blossom. Slipped my mind.” Then as if Sam isn’t there the woman turns to her to say, “You’re a good woman. Quiet and secretive but a good woman. It’s nice that Sam has you around. She needs someone to ground her with her head floating so high up there in her dreams.” Beth tries not to laugh at the hypocrisy of Percy saying that anyone has their head too far up in the sky. She stays still though and listens. “That Hannah only sends her further up. It’s the last thing she needs really.”

Sam grabs Beth’s arm to pull her up, tired of her mother, “We’re gonna be in my room.”

Sam is dragging her away but still Beth clearly hears the woman mumble, “Hmm, haven’t seen that Hannah in a while. Wonder where that girl has gone.”

Beth doesn’t feel like such a good woman after that.

* * *

It's a good thing Beth and Sam have not only been friends for as long as they have but that they actually have a good deal in common too. No one had even bat an eye when Sam said she was taking Beth to the rock climbing wall. Although maybe it hadn't been the best choice looking at her face as they scaled the medium climb. Beth wasn't ready for expert but was easily beyond the beginner’s level.

“Okay, just so you know,” Beth pants as she struggles to catch up with Sam, “I hate this! As in I really, really hate this!”

Sam looks down at her trying to reach the next crevice. She's not used to seeing Beth struggle. She is always so in control. She’s like the rock wall under them, sturdy, still, supportive and Sam loves to climb her.

“Why?” Sam teases, “Big, strong Beth can't handle a little climb. Guess there are some things weight lifting doesn't prepare you for.”

“You're just saying that cause I can bench almost twice as you can.” Beth slips a bit while she says it. It's the most ungraceful Sam has ever seen her. She tries to hop up to the next patch of rocks and ends up just smacking into the wall. She barely catches herself. Once Sam can see she is unharmed, she laughs. Beth begins her scramble once more. It's not less clumsy.

“Hey, Beth,” she calls pushing off the wall the slightest bit. “You make it up here and I'll give you a kiss.”

She tries to hide it but she doubles her efforts. The prospect of Sam is enough to get her further up even if she definitely scraped her arm on the way. Sam is still so amazed by this other Beth. This Beth who remains hidden from everyone else they know. No, surely her siblings must have seen her but there are times Sam doubts even that.

“Come on, I’m starting to get a little insulted you don't want to kiss me.”

Beth stops, unable to go any longer. “If you want a kiss so bad why do I have to be the one who works for it?”

Sam thinks on that for a moment. “Good point.”

She loosens her rope enough to hop down until for maybe the only time in their relationship she stands above Beth. She swings over and connects their lips. It’s sloppy considering their angles. They can't kiss for long due to the circumstances but the kiss, like it always does. holds affection and passion. Sam hops down after so they are on the same level.

With a blush Beth says, “Okay maybe I could get used to climbing.”

* * *

Movie night is a big deal in the Washington house. As in it is the biggest deal. It’s the one night of the month that their mom and dad make a point to be home. It doesn’t matter where in the country they are living they will be there. They missed it only once while snowed in at the lodge. They'd tried their damndest though and simply made up for it another night. Bob and Melinda aren't a nightmare all the time. Family movie night means the five of them will all be in their big house together. None of them are ever more excited about that than Hannah is. Josh and Beth could do without the judging stares but having mom and dad home does make the house feel more full. Plus Hannah is happy and that’s what matters most to them both.

That doesn’t mean either of them behave themselves.

“Really Josh? Did you have to wear something so vulgar?” Beth asks him as they get drinks and popcorn while Hannah talks their parents’ ears off in the other room. He’s wearing a shirt that says “If you are what you eat then what does that make me?”

“At least mine is ambiguous. You don’t have to take this as gay,” he defends as he hands over a few cups and buckets (more than he is carrying), “You think mom and dad didn’t notice the giant rainbow that says, “Free Love,” on your shirt?”

Beth sputters for something to say before she settles on, “I didn’t realize I had put this one on and I’m not changing just for them.”

“Yeah, okay, sis,” he laughs as he heads for the cinema room. She huffs and follows. She isn’t sure why she protested. They both know their clothing choices were made explicitly to piss off their parents. If they were going to play favorites then the other two unlucky kids were going to make sure they suffered for it. Even if it was just a little.

Their parents had indeed saw what they were wearing and sighed immediately. They hated to be reminded they’d popped out not one but two queers. It was a minor issue and they were all already passed it. All of them but Hannah that was. Hannah didn’t like the reminders either but mom and dad would be fawning over her the entire time so she could deal. In fact she and Josh enter the room to receive barely any attention. It isn’t until they hand out everyone’s snacks and drinks that they are acknowledged. Hannah’s face falls as the room grows tense. Their parents devotion to her isn’t her fault but Beth sneers at her anyway. Pampered baby. Hannah has probably never had a bad day in her life.

“What did you put in, dad?” Josh asks as he drops to the floor despite all the comfortable places to sit. Their father glares. Josh is much better at subtle rebellion than Beth could ever hope to be. She sits next to Hannah like an obedient child. Hannah pouts and Beth fights off her own glare. She is such a baby acting like it's Beth and not their shitty homophobic parents that cause issues. As if her sporting some pride in being a lesbian is some horrible crime on her part. She acts as if Beth is the one being the aggressor and not the victim.

“Can't you even try to get along with mom and dad?” she asks as quietly as she can. Hannah is good at keeping her voice from being noticed. Beth wouldn't care if Bob and Melinda heard though. She rolls her eyes.

“Don't act like you don't know how much they’d like to get rid of me and Josh. How much they want us gone,” she says just as quietly as they are used to sharing whispers the rest of the family can't hear.

“They don't want you gone. They love you,” Hannah assures and Beth scoffs at her. Hannah looks concerned before the lights go out and the credits to one of her dad's films flash on the screen. Of course he wants to bask in his own “genius.”

“They love you,” Beth corrects. She can't see Hannah well because of the shadows from the giant screen but she knows her face is somewhere between hurt and anger. Beth has known her long enough to know how she gets about basically everything.

“Don't say things like that! They're our parents.” She isn't whispering anymore which means she’s the one who is pissed off now.

“Like you would even know thing about it, golden child!” Beth’s voice gets even louder than her twin sister’s voice.

“Don't call me that! I hate when you call me that!”

“Why not?! It's true! You're everyone's favorite and everyone has to do what you want to do all the time. You know other people have needs too, Hannah! Other people deserve to be happy! Other people deserve love!”

“Why do keep insisting mom and dad hate you?”

Beth doesn't know what to say because she wasn't talking about their parents. Up until that moment she thought she had but she hadn't been. Who she really meant is so clear to her she wants to scream until she can't make anymore noise! It's a secret. It's all a secret because pretty little Hannah couldn't take it. Pretty little Hannah would cry and whine. How dare anyone hurt pretty little Hannah? How dare anyone have anything that she doesn't have? She doesn't have to give things up. She doesn't have to share. She doesn't know how to. And it is wholly unfair to Beth.

“Elizabeth, honey,” her mother pipes up, “Of course we love you. We love all of you and we’re so very proud of what wonderful young ladies you are both growing up to be.”

“Wow, mom, wow,” Josh says it like a joke but there is real pain there.

“Joshua, you know she didn't mean it that way,” their father scolds. Josh rolls his eyes and Beth is so fucking sick of playing house with these assholes.

“Fuck you.” Beth says it directly to Hannah, “And fuck you too.” She adds towards her mother this time then finally as she storms out of the room she yells back, “Just fuck all of you.”

No one chases her because they know better by now. They know better than to follow her when she chooses to leave them all behind in her tears and her rage. There are times she wishes they did but tonight isn't one of them. Tonight she wants to leave her whole family down there and away from her. Most especially selfish, whiny, pretty, little Hannah.

She's calling Sam before she's even through her bedroom door.

* * *

"I'm not sure I like knowing you and Beth screw right over my head.”

Sam rolls her eyes at Ashley before she checks the time. She is supposed to meet up with Hannah in about a half an hour. However sometimes she feels like she needs a mini-pep talk with Ashley before she can face her best friend. She also feels the need to shower and she is sure to wear freshly cleaned clothes. Maybe she thinks she needs to get all the Beth off of her prior to seeing Hannah. She would ask Ashley about it but there are some things Sam doesn’t want confirmed for her. Whether or not she is still soaked in that kind of guilt is one of them.

“You and Josh probably don't know up from down when you’re high,” Sam tries to make it come off as a joke but it doesn't really work, “You never would have even known if I didn’t just tell you.”

“That’s fair,” Ashley says as she continues to fuss around in her kitchen making dinner for her and her father. That’s their time limit. No one likes to be around Ashley’s dad, not even Ashley at times, so Sam plans to make a quick exit after he comes home. That might be the only thing keeping her from ditching Hannah to stay with Ashley. Sam needs something to push her out of the safety of Ashley's company. Her role in this mess hasn’t changed. She’s the thing reminding Sam this is real life.

“So what’s the deal with you and Chris?” Sam asks as a distraction, “Are you two and Josh still pretending you didn’t feel him up in the middle of the night?”

“Uh no, actually,” Ashley says as she empties her dishwasher. Sam would help but Ashley never lets anyone help her do chores. “While you were upstairs playing cowgirls with Beth, Josh and I talked about how weird it’s been for the three of us so I finally told Chris we need to face what happened head on.”

“Which head? Cause I have an idea which you would prefer.”

Ashley hits Sam with her hand towel and they laugh. However then Ashley asks, “Why are you asking about me and Chris?”

Sam knows she looks at Ashley like she’s growing more body parts in some strange places, “Because I care.”

“Yeah?” Ashley isn't looking at her when she asks it, “Or do you just not want to talk about something else?”

Sam sighs. When it comes to her and this, she can never hide from Ashley. She looks away for a moment and then just takes the plunge, “Am I a terrible friend?”

“In my experience, no. I have nothing but praise.” Sam breathes a tiny laugh, “But I’m guessing you mean as far as Hannah is concerned.”

“Yeah? How’d you deduce that?”

“I’m a woman of many talents.” Ashley focuses on her dinner, “And I wouldn’t say you’re being a bad friend. But then I’m not Hannah. So I don’t know how she feels.”

“So yes.”

“I didn’t say that.”

“But you think that.”

Ashley turns to look at her again, “I think you care about Hannah and you care about Beth and you care about yourself and you don’t know how to do all of those things at the same time.”

“I shouldn’t be lying to her, should I?”

Ashley looks at the clock with dread, “I survive on lying so I can’t endorse that opinion.”

Sam breathes out another little laugh. That was Ashley saying she didn’t care if what Sam did what was right or wrong. She cares about what Sam wanted to do. It’s too bad Sam doesn’t know what she wants to do. She isn’t going to get the answer from Ashley though. She knows Ashley isn’t able and isn’t obligated to sleep in the bed she’d made with Beth but she helps. Knowing that however Sam feels is okay always helps.

“You know, maybe I’m not a good friend but you sure as heck are, Ash.” Sam says as she gets ready to leave since the clock is about to land on seven o’clock, “Good luck with Chris.”

“Thanks,” she says as she walks Sam out the door, “Good luck to you too, with whatever you end up doing.”

* * *

Beth despite her size likes to be the little spoon when she cuddles. She is always taking care of people. It's nice to feel she is being taken care of instead. Lucky for her Sam is a big spoon and never wants to be the one constricted by a long pair of arms. The situation works out well for them. Maybe it's the only one that really does.

They spend most of their time at Sam's though they've had a few tyrsts at Beth’s place too. The majority of their relationship still takes place at Sam's house. Every time they've almost been caught it was at her place. Sam’s home is safer. Beth doesn't know what Sam’s mom knows. She is not usually there when Beth is. Strangely that bothers her on some level. Lots of things bother her on some level.

They make love a lot. There is no reason this time should feel different but it does. Their bodies are warm and the bliss of after sex cuddling is there. They breath together like they always do. Sam’s skin is the same combination of rough and soft like it always is. She can feel Sam’s face buried in her hair and her arms and legs keeping her close. The lights are off now even though they were on when they made love. There is something so soothing about the dark but it feels scary today. The darkness feels much more consuming. The shadows don't feel like leftover dreams of their happiness and the bare amount of light from under the door feels like it's watching her every move. It's all the same as it always is but it feels nothing like that. It doesn't feel wrong but it doesn't feel right.

It feels heavy and dark. Like guilt.

“What are you thinking about?” Beth hears herself ask Sam. She wonders if it's just her or if her lover feels this too. She wants to imagine this is in her mind. That darkness has not taken hold of something so sweet.

The way Sam’s breath stops in her throat is all Beth needs to know this sensation is shared between them. It's nice to know she isn't alone even if it's not nice to know she is not feeling what isn't there. It hangs there in every corner of the room. Something has changed. Something is different. Something is there that shouldn't be.

“How long are we going to…?” Sam stops short and replaces what she was going to say, “You're important to me, Beth. I’ve been with people before. Not a lot but a few. I’ve been with enough people to know this is special what you and I have.”

“I know.” It's all Beth can say.

“And I think you feel it too. I think you know we aren't- we’ve never been two girls just having some fun. I know you’ve only been with one girl but this has to feel different in some way from that. I can't be the only one who feels like this.”

“You're not.” Some days Beth hates how all she can give is nothing. That some days all Beth can give is short answers that tell the other person almost nothing. She's not used to opening up. Sometimes it feels like it's not the truth when she does. This feeling is real though. The one she shares with Sam. There is nothing false about this.

“So when- I don't want this anymore.” Beth’s heart stops. How can that be? Wasn't she just saying how wonderful this all was? How could she be gone from Beth so quickly when she had her secure only moments before. Thank the stars Sam clarifies. “I don't want to hide. I want people to know how I feel about you. I don't want you to be some dirty little secret as if I'm afraid you’ll get out and I’ll be ashamed. I'm proud of you and of what we are. I don't want to hide.”

“I feel that way too. But you know that means we'd have to tell…”

Sam snorts, “If we tell anyone first it should be her.”

They agreed awhile ago not to bring up her name when they are together like this. It just makes what they have feel dirty. What they are isn't dirty. It isn't wrong. It isn't something to be ashamed of and hide. It isn't any of those things. Maybe it's even lo-

“What do we even say?” Beth says, “How do we even start?”

“Well I’m guessing we shouldn't start with “Hey Han, so Beth and I fucked in the bathroom a couple weeks back.” Seems in bad taste.”

Beth laughs, “No, that really isn't the best place to start things off.”

Sam settles down and pulls Beth as close to her as she can. They’ll figure it out. They’ve made everything else work so far. They’ve made this thing something special when it didn't have to be. They can handle anything together as long as they remember that it's going to be together.

Which is why they hold hands tightly as they approach Hannah's door that same afternoon.

**Author's Note:**

> Feedback always welcome


End file.
